According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Mistakes were made
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
dads on road-trips be like
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.