4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Stick it to the man
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.