For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
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boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me irl
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.