Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
You Might Also Like
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Yup
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory