The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Realize this:
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind