I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
why would tinder want me to say this
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.