Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
couldn’t resist
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Growing out my freckles.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.