under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*