Happy Friday
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In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x