Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
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[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other