Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*