When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
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Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care