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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”