Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
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Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
*updates tinder bio*
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”