She was rare, like a goth carolling.
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Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.