[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
You Might Also Like
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.