Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
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WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.