I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Cndnsd Mlk
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
A dad and his duck
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.