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Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
get you a girl who
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
*bites zombie*
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes