Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
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I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?