I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Oh no
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?