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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same