I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
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If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Monday?
No. Next question.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted