Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
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Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.