I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
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I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
my dog when i have a friend over
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The government even made aliens boring
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.