Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
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Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
oh shit
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.