After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
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*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
#merica
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
choose your fighter
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash