My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
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I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
some cats are just doing for fun!
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.