We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
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Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.