Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
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Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.