What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]