Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE