Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
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doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
prepare for carbonated trouble
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*