Tik Tok is a national treasure.
You Might Also Like
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.