My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you