While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
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yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.