My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
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Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I am having an out of money experience.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.