I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Air conditioning – not a fan
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.