[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?