you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
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Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.