5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
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[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.