A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No