I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
😍😂🥰😂😍
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.