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he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.