Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
This meal prepping shit easy
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
What fresh Hell is this?!?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.