My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
incredible text to wake up to
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.