I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy