‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
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Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient