Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze