My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
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My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Overindulged this afternoon.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.